I don't like sharing my story, but I do sometimes share it. I am not proud of my past destructive choices, but I want to stay sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading and promptings in my heart and life. And this is one of those times I know I am to share my story with you.
As you read, I pray that you don't stumble over the evil I committed but instead realize the importance of what we offer to others in empathy, hope, forgiveness, and restoration. And if you have chosen abortion, I hope you find release by seeing what Jesus Christ has done for all of humanity in one sacrifice as He was born to die in your place.
I know and am assured of my complete forgiveness because of the cross of Christ and because of Jesus' taking sin upon himself…actually becoming my sin.
I have regret, but I am standing confident in what was accomplished for me in His finished work of his death, burial, and resurrection.
When I was just 17, I had the life experience of being influenced by the rhetoric and propaganda telling me that abortion wasn't wrong but a grey issue. I remember sitting in a semi-circle group in my public school and being guided by the teacher as we discussed right vs. wrong on abortion. The discussion made me delude myself against my previous knowledge about right vs. wrong. I had a 'somewhat' Christian belief system but lived a rebellious, destructive life by smoking weed and drinking to numb my pain and confusion, violating some of my values.
My early childhood was filled with divorce, alcoholism with dad figures, and the premature death of a parent. That's no excuse but an insight into brokenness that needed mending. I became a Christian when I was twelve years old, but I was stuck. I didn't have a habit of renewing my mind and didn't know about a growing relationship with Jesus through His Word and the powerful ministry of the Holy Spirit in my life yet.
After getting pregnant by my boyfriend in the late 70s, I turned right into the decision to have an abortion out of fear. What I didn't know when making that decision was the aftermath of emotional pain, depression, and self-loathing that comes into your thinking. I didn't think I would experience traumatic and instantaneous grief and sorrow. I was not given ANY information about alternative choices. I did not know how bitter and angry my heart would be after being influenced by this decision.
The nurses were very hardened toward the patients. I felt cold, diminished in my own self-worth. I remember feeling life go out of me. I remember a barracks-like room where girls were placed together for a brief time before being released. It was a horrific experience of women wailing and crying inconsolably. It was evident to me right then how deceptive this choice was. I was angry at myself.
I did feel tricked. I felt seduced by a mindset that diminished the value of life. Within a few years, I knew it was a very spiritually dark power behind the abortion industry. I greatly resented the manipulation of young minds (my young mind) to go in that direction. I remember that the Lord challenged me to call it what it was- murder! And that He could take the guilt, shame, and condemnation from me.
Think of this beautiful passage in the book of Isaiah 55, which is often misquoted in its understanding….. "8 "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," says the LORD. 9 "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts."
But note this- the verse before it makes the context of meaning clear:
"Let the [b]wicked forsake his way, And the unrighteous man his thoughts; Let him return to the LORD, And He will have mercy on him; And to our God, For He will abundantly pardon."
I specifically remember being confronted by God (His Spirit) to allow Him to take my guilt, shame, and condemnation. He instructed me to no longer cling to the burden and the cloud of depression as my identity and payment for what I had done.
He wanted me to receive what HE had done for me. I made that choice too. I received forgiveness and cleansing. I sent away the depression and all that went with it. I was free. I was compelled to tell that to others. God abundantly pardoned me.
For many years after that, I went to the abortion clinics to try and get girls to talk with me before they made the mistake of ending their baby's life. I told them the truth in love. I appealed to them with God's wisdom and my experience.
Jesus offers us a way of escape. Adoption is a beautiful, life-giving option. God sends practical help to women who need it with support financially. There is freedom on the other side of abortion if you are willing to own your stuff. Allow the Lord to take away the clouds, and choose to forgive yourself. Let Him heal your heart and soul.
Wife, Mother, Teacher, Author, Pastor, Friend, Mentor.